Enjoy!

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade

teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I

have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the

one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always

have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over

shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids

bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they

catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any

boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in

to school  and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,

very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the

front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my

baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his

birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their

love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and

Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an

umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the

pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my

camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts

saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a

hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the

house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid

is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers

babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the

Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like

this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the

wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she

kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up

and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid

has her legs spread with her little hands miming water

flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push,

push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.’ They started

counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a

sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff

that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center

(placenta), so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked  him for crawling

up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and

returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since

then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,

just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.