I received this email from my Grandpa today and I think it is hilarious. Kids say the craziest things, and if this story is true, it is right up there with some of the craziest stories I have heard from a child.
Enjoy!
The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade
teacher
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I
have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the
one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids
bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they
catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in
to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the
front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my
baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his
birthday.’
‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and
Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an
umbrella cord.’
She’s standing there with her hands on the
pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a
hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the
house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the
Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like
this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)
‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she
kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up
and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid
has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away. It was too much!)
‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push,
push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.’ They started
counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff
that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center
(placenta), so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling
up in there.’
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and
returned to her seat.
I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since
then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,
just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.
